You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
