i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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