I puked a lego.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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