I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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