I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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