Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
