Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize