you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
