We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Randomize
