we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
