The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Randomize
