You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize