Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The air was thick with penises
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
