soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
