you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
