I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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