ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
