Umm I'm too high to move.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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