why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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