Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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