my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
