it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
