my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
