I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
