Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
he thought i was a dude.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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