Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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