how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
