i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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