I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
