either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
