She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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