My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
