; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
