Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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