Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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