my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
