I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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