i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
