I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
