You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
