dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
