Your face is a jimmy john
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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