Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
