He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize