bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
