and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
