So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
You smell like a Billy Joel song
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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