I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
