just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize