I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
