My room smells like vodka and shame
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
