If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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