I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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