i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
We need to rekindle our bromance
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize