these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
