Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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