You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
