You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
